If Dark Souls Characters Were High Schoolers
by Joshua Schwartz
The Dark Souls universe is vast and foreboding. Those who have traveled the troubled lands of Lordran, Majula, and Anor Londo, know that friends and foes are often just a world apart. On your journey of the undead, you will meet many “gods” and creatures who are hard to classify in everyday terms. But today we’re going to try to do just that, by picking out some of our favorite NPCs from Dark Souls and finding their high-school counterparts.
- Dark Sun Gwyndolin/Gwynevere, “The Straight-Edge Rocker”
Gwyndolin is the person who shows up at a party and pretends he’s terrible at the guitar, but if you really press him he’ll pull out a twelve string and start improvising a jazz adaptation of “Stairway to Heaven.” Gwyndolin may be a trust-fund kid, but his wealth comes with a fair share of family drama and emotional abuse, so you’re definitely not envious. Plus all of this emotional angst pays off in high school when Gwyndolin creates a solid rock band called, “Blades of the Darkmoon”. They describe themselves as metalcore/hardcore but actually they sound more like Christian rock.
Gwydolin may not be into drinking, sex, or taking the lords name in vain, but this straight-edge kid sure nows how to rock!
- Patches, “The Class Clown”
Patches thinks he’s the class clown, but he’s often just known as the jerk of your group. And he’s been in every homeroom you’ve had since elementary school. Nobody likes him, and you’re not even sure you do most of the time. But he’s always just…been there.
Patches is the guy who you’ll go to the movies with and he’ll purposely forgot to bring his wallet, forcing you to front the cash for his ticket. Then after the film, Patches might try to kick you off a bridge, steal the rest of your money, and stab you in the gut. But despite these antics, he’s still endearing somehow. After all, he’s hilarious when he’s screwing over other people. And even when Patches does it to you, you can’t really stay mad at him. Because it seems like he isn’t going anywhere. At this point, there’s just too much that’s bonded you together to ever get rid of him, no matter what he does.
- Crossbreed Priscilla, “The Cute Artist”
Priscilla is unique. She’s that cool artsy girl that nobody else seems to notice. She’s really into her paintings, maybe a little too much. She’s not always the friendliest person when you first meet her. In fact, some people think she’s can be a little volatile, but you see past all that. People may be scared of her talent and cutting wit, but she’s a goddess to you. As you get to know her better, there’s even something strange and unique about her. Almost like she’s half-mystical…half-real. She seems like the daughter of a God, but that might just be love talking. Either way, you have to leave her behind in search of the larger world. She may be everything you want, but she’ll never love you as much as she loves her art.
- Sif, “The Hipster Fanatic”
Sif is that girl who’s totally obsessed with Artorias, the singer/songwriter who tragically died a few years ago. Artorias was known for his melodic construction and melancholy lyrics. His death was ruled a suicide, but it might have been a murder depending on who you ask. Every time you see Sif, she’s talking about a new Artorias b-side or vinyl that she’s found. Sif often recounts how she used to go to Artorias shows in the city, and they would hang out and talk about the music scene. She even sang backing vocals on a couple of his lost tracks, if the rumors are to be believed.
But if you ever get into Artorias, Sif’s going to have a problem. It doesn’t really matter how well you know his music or how long you’ve known Sif, she’s going to fight you about it. Sif is very protective of Artorias and his legacy. In fact, she defends Artorias’ memory like it’s her job. She will challenge your knowledge about Artorias. She’ll say you’re only into Artorias because it’s trendy. But really, Sif just doesn’t want you to desecrate the grave of her favorite person. And if you can prove your interest in Artorias is real and as great as hers, Sif will be a close friend through many of life’s great trials and tribulations. Plus Artorias really was the best, right?
- Havel the Rock, “The Soul-less Jock”
Havel is a living testament to the adage that you never want to meet your heroes. When Havel’s swinging a baseball bat, hitting a hockey puck, or clubbing balls with his dragon-tooth driver, he’s poetry in motion. Wearing his custom class ring and varsity jacket school uniform, Havel seems like the coolest guy at any party in town…until he opens his mouth. You see, if you ever get the chance to talk to Havel, he’s got absolutely nothing to say. Well that’s not totally fair. A real-life Havel probably would speak, but we imagine he’d say things like he “hasn’t tried pizza” or he’s excited to start “playing Game of Thrones.” On top of that, he hates studying and loves bashing nerds who research stuff. In fact, his favorite thing to do when he’s not on the field is beat up members of the Academic Squad. His highschool rival is, of course, Seath, the King of the Nerds.
- Seath the Scaleless, “King of the Nerds”
Seath the Scaleless is the king of the nerds. Born with pale skin that’s adverse to sunlight, Seath spent his entire childhood inside on the computer, coding and reading wikipedia articles. Now he’s head of the Chess Club, a Tutor for A.P. Chemistry, and Captain of the Debate team. However, these days he doesn’t really consider himself a nerd, though others might. Seath used to be friends with all the other science kids. But sometime in middle-school, Seath befriended an older bully named Gwyn and clawed his way up the social ladder through cruel and devious behavior, squeezing himself into the in-crowd.
Using his powers of manipulation, Seath created a homework and test-taking network, selling papers from his smart friends to members of the football and basketball teams. He enforced deadlines through threats of violence, and amassed a small fortune for a 16-year old. However, money proved a poor substitute for friendship, and Seath’s lack of social interaction took quite a toll on his mental health. During his senior year, he spends all day in the AP Chemistry lab trying to come up with a solution to his loneliness. Some of the younger kids revere him as a kind of genius, but you know better.
- Gwyn, “The Super Senior”
Gwyn used to have everything; good looks, a beautiful girlfriend, a college scholarship. He was captain of the football team. He had a leased muscle car. He and his friends were known as gods around these parts. They would ride around town and beat up smart kids for sport. Gwyn even befriended Seath, one of the nerds, and convinced him to beat up other nerds with him. They made quite a bit of money together. But that’s all ancient history now.
Gwyn’s the token Super-Senior. He failed both Social Studies and Math, so he’s having to repeat his senior year in order to graduate. All of his friends have moved on to college, and he’s still stuck living with his parents. Gwyn thought it would be fun to be back in high-school another year, but without his old friends, he’s proven to be a social outcast. Due to the fact that he’s repeating his senior year, he’s lost a fair amount of credibility and social standing. And as the year goes on, he finds the younger students harder to interact with than ever before. He seems to age rapidly in front of everyone’s eyes. He may be only 18, but he looks closer to 25. The weight of the extra year seems to be sucking the very life out of him, and his eyes look totally hollow these days.
- Gravelord Nito, “The Nihilist Goth”
Nito’s the kind of person who binge watches murder re-enactment shows and documentaries. He’s obsessed with Damien Hirst, thinks H.P. Lovecraft is a religious figure, and loves the idea that everyone’s going to die. Whether it’s climate change, nuclear war, or the industrial video game complex, something is going to kill you and Nito’s there to tell you about it. His favorite conversation starters are the darkest things he’s seen on Reddit, and he’ll show you gross videos way before you can ask him to stop.
As a result of his pessimistic behavior, Nito’s gloomy presence brings down the mood of any event. However, his fatalistic beliefs have affected Nito’s appearance over the years. His hair has turned into a brittle web after a thousand dye jobs. His eyes are drowning in a sea of yesterday’s makeup. His nails bare the scars of a thousand anxious bitings. He’s a mess of bones and skin and tattered black cloth, as he fully embraces the image of a nihilist goth.
- Darkstalker Kaathe and Kingseeker Frampt, “Nominees for Class President”
Kaathe and Frampt are the kids who are running for class president. Everyone knows them, but nobody understands what their policies would accomplish. So the whole thing seems like a popularity contest. Frampt claims that he’s going to keep the school from changing into a chaotic mess. Kaathe claims that the school needs to be changed in order to avoid becoming a static disaster. They have radically different views on the administration, lunchtime, and free periods. They tend to talk in riddles and rhetoricals, and they’ll say anything to win an argument. But despite all of their differences, they could be twins. They dress in identical outfits and have matching haircuts. And somehow you know that regardless of who gets elected, nothing will really change for you. Whoever you choose, you’re still going to have just as much as homework. You’re still going to have to take all the tests. The year will still end with a yearbook and senior prom.
Or maybe Kaathe’s plan is best. We don’t know.
- Solaire of Astora, “The Best Friend”
Solaire is your best friend. He’s always in a good mood. He’s super cool and charismatic, and he’s there for you in a bind. He seems to have the best attitude even in the worst situations. He’s constantly pushing you to do bigger and better things with your life. Solaire’s so optimistic in the face of adversity that you’re almost jealous of his ability to adapt. When you’re with him, you feel like good things are always going to happen. It’s almost like you’re being watched over. You think he’s so great, he could be the son of a God… but that’s crazy, right?
“PRAISE THE SUN!”
- Giant Dads, “The Worst People”
The Legends are the life of the party for about five minutes, and then they break your mother’s favorite vase just to get a reaction. Nobody invites them to parties anymore, but they always seem to turn up. Too bad they love making people unhappy. They’re the worst people. For real, nobody likes Griefers.
But the Giant Dads memes are okay, we suppose.